Tuesday, December 1, 2009
The Reasons for Most Affairs
There are people who are guaranteed to have affairs. These people are not faithful to the ones they date or are engaged to. They will naturally have affairs because they do not understand faithfulness. They may have psychological addictions which contribute to their affairs. This blog does not attempt to address these issues.
Most people, however, really mean it when they say, "until death do us part." They intend to be faithful for life. They do not see the affairs they are about to have coming. They may even be surprised that they have actually gotten themselves into affairs. This is what I am attempting to address. Yet, I know that even this will not explain every affair. Affairs are often complicated.
Most affairs come because people do not continue to shore up the foundation of their marriages. They think that love is all that is necessary to keep affairs away. They do not understand that they didn't make a marriage contract but a marriage vow. A contract is valid as long as the circumstances remain the same. A vow is valid regardless of the circumstances.
The foundation of marriage involves three elements: Faith, Family and Friends. It will not do to have all but one of these to make sure that your foundation remains safe.
I lived in Houston, Texas for four years. Many of the houses built there have foundation problems. This is because the ground swells when it is most and shrinks tremendously when it is dry. This swelling and shrinking causes the concrete slab foundations to crack. Eventually, it will ruin a house. Some home owners have put a system around the foundation of their homes which senses the moisture content of the soil and injects water to keep the ground from have drastic shrinking. Their foundations generally last much longer than others.
The foundation of marriage also needs constant monitoring. It must have the three elements of faith, family and friends to keep the foundation solid. Love is fickle when it is treated as an emotion rather than an action. It needs shoring up so that it can remain vital.
Faith should be at the core of a marriage. Faith is not just going to church or agreeing that Jesus is Lord. Faith is a means of living your life. It places the relationship of Christ before all other events or persons. Faith is giving your life to Christ, not just your time and money. Ultimately, a couple needs to have a foundation of beliefs which cannot be shaken. Faith takes daily work to keep it vibrant. Faith cannot be done on Sundays alone. Faith needs to be deeply established and discussed often. I have found many people who play with their faith and wonder why it didn't prevent an affair. It must be something that comes from the core of the person. It cannot be just something done on Sundays when there are no other events.
Strong family ties help people remember why they are married. Their family should support their marriages. They need the blessing of their parents. They need the support of family members who give them a strong example of what a marriage should be. They should see an affair as a threat to the relationship that they have with their families. They should see the hurt they will cause their own children. They should see the disappointment that their parents would have in an affair. They should see that an affair will damage their relationships. This cost should be too much for them to have an affair.
Friends often influence us to do things we would never have done. Each of us can probably remember getting in trouble because all our friends were doing whatever got us in trouble. I have found that those people who have close friends who are having affairs are more likely to have affairs themselves. Our values seem to change when we are around people who don't have our values. I have observed women start thinking of divorce after hanging out with divorced friends. I have seen men have affairs because they were in the wrong place because they followed their friends. You must distance yourself from a friend who is having an affair. It doesn't mean that you can't talk but the level of your friendship must change. You cannot listen to them to the point where you begin to toy with the idea yourself. These friends may present an affair as exciting but it is actually lying, cheating and damaging to those around them. They are giving up their faith, family (I have often seen children not speak to the parent who has had an affair for years.) and often their financial security.They are causing pain all around them. They are being selfish and would love it if you would join them in their selfishness. You must limit your involvement with anyone who is having an affair.
Faith, family and friends provide support for our marriages. Tomorrow I will write what keeps a marriage strong. Please share this with anyone who is contemplating or having an affair. It will be one of the worse decisions of his or her life.