Why Did You Doubt?

It happens more than enough times. I seem to have enough faith for everyone else but myself. I can tell others that they should trust in God during a crisis but I have trouble with my own crises. I doubt when I should be trusting.

This is the story of Simon Peter getting out of the boat to walk on the water to Jesus. He just couldn't keep his eyes on Jesus. He had to look at the problem right in front of him. The pulled the problem so close to his eyes that he couldn't see anything but the problem. His mind was consumed with it. All he could think about was drowning. He began to sink until Jesus grabbed him.

I was on a church staff that had not received a raise for several years. My family was young and we were barely able to exist on what I was making. God moved me to a new church in another state. That church had given raises to its staff consistently for over twenty years. The pastor of this church had served there from its establishment. So, I accepted a home loan whose monthly payments would increase in each year for two years.

The pastor of this church left for a new ministry ten months after I came on staff. The church decided that the finances would fall during the interim. They decided not to give the staff a raise. This meant that I would not receive any more money even though my house payment was about to go up in a couple of months.

I began to gripe. I doubted. I was in fear of not being able to make ends meet. None of those words I had said to others about trusting in the Lord made any sense to me. I felt like I would drown in the needs I had for my family.

Soon afterwards things began to happen that amazed me. I would go to the mailbox to get the mail and find an envelope with hundred dollar bills. Over the next year this would happen several times. The envelopes were not addressed so that whoever placed them in our mailbox had to do so personally. There was no note and no indication as to who had given us this money. After tallying the amount I had received from the mailbox I realized that I had received more than I would have gotten if I had received the normal raise the church would have given.

The next year the staff was told that the church was excited that it could again resume giving raises. I wasn't so sure I wanted them to. I was doing better without the raise!

Why did I doubt? Why did I look at my problems instead of looking at Jesus? I don't know. I just know that I haven't gotten over this problem yet no matter how many times the Lord provides for me. Doubt seems more natural for me than faith.

Yet, I know the truth. My God meets my every need even if I don't fix my eyes on Him.

However, it would be nice if I would just fix my eyes on Him rather than my problems just once.

Matthew 14:31 (ESV)
Jesus immediately reached out his hand and took hold of him, saying to him, “O you of little faith, why did you doubt?”